My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
it must be school picture day
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic