HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
c’mon!
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
How to find Kentucky on a map
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.