Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.