Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.