I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
c’mon!
