DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Its a hippotatomus
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
This will never not be funny 😭