I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker