The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.