her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Something Saturday.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Stop making fast and furious movies.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.