bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Before & after 😅
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
And then there were 4
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay