I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
logging onto twitter…
