I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this