A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
life finds a way
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.