Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no