I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
peak technology
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
This is enough internet for the day.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.