What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
life finds a way
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
