Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig: