If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
peak technology
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.