whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
This is enough internet for the day.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
