just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
hmm conte-me mais
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
no regrets
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.