“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
#Caturday
