[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?