“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again