Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?