I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?