Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
OH. COME. ON.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.