Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
wut hotdog?
Thursday Thought.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom