“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
wut hotdog?
Thursday Thought.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.