Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Goodnight 🐶
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.