I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
he looks great for his age
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I think I’ll stand
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈