I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.