Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Good morning!
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
wow he looks just like him
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
