sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave