Me trying to “trust the process”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Yup
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.