happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Never let them know your next move 😂