Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me trying to “trust the process”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid