Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
notice