(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.