Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
The internet is full of many things
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?