I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Yep.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does