Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My neck my back my allergy attack
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I want what they have
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip