There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this