please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!