An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff