My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
Can confirm.
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
weird email i got today
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???