3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Our lord and savoury.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.