petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
the last thing a carrot sees
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.