a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
repaired
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.