Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”