Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken