Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
*aggressively waits in line*
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon