Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.