*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Based Erika