You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
shakira sharkira
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair