It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
