they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Childbirth is so beautiful
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
birds and squirrels envy us
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot